November 3, 2003

Greetings from the reading room,

If you are squeamish you may want to avert your eyes while reading this issue.  The subject which I am about to address may leave people of sensitive persuasion appalled and aghast, perhaps with their arms akimbo. 

Toilet paper is one of the hallmarks of civilization; it is a feature of an advancing society.  Evidence of this is that there is no toilet paper in primitive cultures, or in backward nations.  Residents in such places must substitute leaves or the local primitive backward newspaper.  There is no toilet paper on Mars, according to NASA research, which proves that it is uninhabitable, and that Earth is superior, even with a hole in the ozone layer.  I realized this morning that such an important aspect of our life deserves some contemplation. 

 
There is toilet paper that has lotion, or scents, or antibacterial treatments or webbing or quilting.  These are all examples of someone trying too hard. Some toilet paper is so coarse you can see the wood chips and bits of pinecone from the manufacturing process.  This is an example of someone not trying hard enough. 

Bathroom tissue manufacturers are always comparing their number of plies, and softness, absorbency, tensile strength, fire resistance and anything else that will sell the product.  We have purchased toilet paper made from recycled materials in the past but I can't get the image out of my head that it is recycled toilet paper. 

If you desire, you can buy novelty toilet paper with printing on it.  Pictures of Osama bin Laden, or camouflage, or Christmas ornaments.  You might choose toilet paper printed with your monogram, or with advertising by your favorite beer, or embossed with the IRS code.  You are limited only by your imagination, and the boundaries of bad taste.

There are two trains of thought when it comes to installing the roll of toilet paper.  There is the 'over the top' method, and there is the wrong method.  I won't bore you with the reams of exhaustive scientific study done on this subject, wherein I might mention the prestigious MIT or the Nobel Prize.    Just trust me, if God wanted us to start a roll of toilet paper on the bottom, he would done the whole gravity thing differently.

If it seems like you are the only person who ever changes the toilet paper roll, you are wrong.  It is me.  I change it at your house too.

I don't ordinarily choose to conduct my affairs in such places, but I am annoyed by public bathrooms which are equipped those giant rolls of toilet paper, ironically dispensed one square at a time. This is often the single ply version created by the military to torture POW's.  These rolls are usually encased in stainless steel vaults so that no one will be tempted to steal them and perhaps use them to print a newspaper or roof a house. 

At our house we buy toilet paper by the truckload.  There are two reasons for this: 

1. There are six people in the house.  Four of them are using toilet paper at a rate that is killing trees faster than clear cutters in South America.  Each child in our home uses their weight in toilet paper each day.  (This also explains why our water bill is so high since so much water is required to flush away 300 pounds of toilet paper.)  Aside from the traditional use, I have witnessed toilet paper used to wrap a life sized Mummy, as padding for sagging stuffed animals, for disposal of insects, for craft projects, and as a chew toy for our dog.

2. We always have at least a few hundred rolls on hand in each bathroom so that there is never a chance that one will discover a shortage an inopportune moment.  Discovering an empty toilet paper roll can be a discouraging event, depending on the timing.  There is nothing more lonely looking than an empty toilet paper spool.  It is especially sad if you have not noticed the emptiness until you are not in a position to positively influence a change.  To avoid this possibility, my wife has applied the military method of 'shock and awe' when it comes to stocking the bathroom with toilet paper.

You might be curious as to why the topic of toilet paper is on my mind.  While I often consider toilet paper and its value to a civilized culture, I was more conscious of it this weekend as I drove by several homes where the trees were draped with toilet paper.  This is not a trend in outdoor décor, but rather these poor folks are the butt of a prank.  Yes it is an unfortunate turn of a phrase, but somehow it had to be used.

TeePee-ing houses is a strange custom.  Young people, in the dark of night, throw perfectly good rolls of toilet paper at innocent trees.  Research has indicated they do this because they either like someone residing nearby, or they are mad at someone residing nearby.  It is a nonviolent way of illustrating a contrary point of view.  TeePee-ing a house is also an expression of art, and therefore protected as free speech under the First Amendment.  Local law enforcement, not schooled in constitutional matters, may debate this however, and that is why this particular expression must be done surreptitiously. 

Because so many of them are lawyers, adults rarely engage in TeePee-ing to settle disputes.  This is an unfortunate development in our country, especially considering the vast wealth of toilet paper here, particularly in my house.  We could unclog the courts if we chose, for example, to let our neighbor know we are unhappy with their loud music by adorning their bushes with Charmin, instead of filing a lawsuit.   I dare say that if we all took up the cause, we might use toilet paper to wipe out lawyers completely. 

Hope this finds you with a spare square,

David